favorite tidbits from the cursed child overview

wuqs:

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wuqs:

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• This blond boy introduces himself as Scorpius Malfoy, son of Draco. Despite the kids’ open discussion that his real father could be Voldemort, Albus decides to stay. (wait, what)
  

• Draco asks Harry to use his position as Head of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry of Magic to shut down gossip that a Time-Turner was used to allow Voldemort to impregnate Astoria, Draco’s wife, who gave birth to Scorpius.
  

• Harry and Draco finally discover the boys outside Hogwarts when they are suddenly transported back to the present without warning. It seems the Time-Turner has a five-minute limit and Albus has suffered a nasty arm break while being snapped back through time.
  

• Umbridge tells Scorpius {…} to get back to school or he’s going to ruin Voldemort Day. 
  

• Every girl at Hogwarts is hoping Scorpius—known as the Scorpion King—will ask them to the Blood Ball. The other kids do his homework.
  

• “I don’t have a niece,” says Amos. So who is she?
  

• Delphie tells Albus […] he must stop Cedric winning [and] she wants him to fly out of that maze naked on a broom of purple feathers.
  

• Delphie finally appears and Harry, as Voldemort, pretends not to know who she is. She explains that she is the child of an affair between Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange
  

I mean. I know all of the Starkid folx are busy doing their own shit but desperate times, etc. Where did they get all of these time turners. Why is there a prototype time turner in the first place, time turners seemed to work fine in poa???

ok another, courtesy of reddit (and all of what i’m reading on reddit lines up with the daily beast, i know a lot of people were thinking it was fake but i’m like 95% sure it’s all very horrifyingly real):

• Scorpius is like totally in love with Rose and there is one scene where he is complimenting her smell and says she smells like “nice bread” 
  

like, there are a lot of things i don’t get but the biggest, like…

we fucking know what voldemort looked like and we fucking know what draco looks like so HOW on EARTH is scorpius “maybe” voldy’s son? what

(like, i know wizards are pretty ignorant of modern science, but draco himself pointed out ron’s hair as a way of knowing he was a weasley in book fucking one, so don’t start)

also, i guess now we really have to just think about post-horcrux tom riddle having sex. thanks.

also his body seemed in really bad shape in general after he came back, and not to be fucking crude but how was he able to get it up??? he’s missing gigantic chucks of his soul, that’s bound to have a, ahem, physical effect

Voldemort had to pop a viagra