greek gods as onion article headlines

   cronus: God Admits He's Addicted To Babies
   zeus: I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out
   hera: Area Woman Not Listened To Again
   ares: Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'?
   aphrodite: Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair
   hephaestus: Neighbor's House Fire Kind Of Beautiful, Actually
   hestia: Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure
   hermes: Behold The Magic Flying Man
   apollo: Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move
   artemis: God The Bounty Hunter
   demeter: You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?
   persephone: Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object
   hades: Admit It, I Scare The Ever-Loving Shit Out Of You, Don't I?
   dionysus: Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk
   poseidon: God Admits He Rarely Forgives

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